I forgave myself this year.
That’s another major thing I did aside living. I think living comes with forgiveness but I’m not sure.
I have had my body tell me in countless ways that something is wrong but when the persons I look up to medically didn’t think so I kept it aside.
During my recovery I slid into that hole of self loathing. I dislike being ill. My mind would be very hyper but my body wouldn’t obey.
So I hate myself for falling ill
I hated that I get too tired
I hated that I couldn’t go out as much as I’d love to
I hated having to deeply research on new places before I go there
I hated having to carry medicine tabs in my bags and purses
I hated that I couldn’t walk complete ten steps without panting as if I’d run in the marathon
I hated the fear I saw in my children’s eyes because as much as I try to mask the pain they still saw some streaks of it anytime I walk or try to stand for long
I hated having to say ” I’m fine ” when I’m not because I didn’t want any loved one fussing around and about me
One midnight and I’d had enough of everything. The pain hate brings enveloped me so bad that my entire being rocked with heart guttering sobs. I sounded like an injured wolf to my ears. The day before, I had let it out with my Counseling family so I slept soundly but woke up at midnight and it hit me.
How do I begin to love myself after this deep sated hate?
So I started to push my body by walking longer steps
I began to speak to my mind not religiously as I’d always done but intentionally
It was hard to do this but I opened myself to the love my family and friends gave. Spent time with them. Went out with some. Had honest conversations. Accepted help
I took my medicines and subjected myself to the right medical personnel who knew what they were doing
I opened up to God’s love again
My healing began. I really believe it began long before then
It’s slow but I feel better each day
Yes I’m still careful about places I go to
I still have supplements and other medicines to use
I’m still very allergic to stuff I’m allergic to
But I love me. I love me so much than before
That I went through all this and didn’t break
That I have very few friends and a loving family
That I’m intentionally keeping away from negative energy
I celebrate myself for living
I may not have handled it the best way but I did handle it and I’m getting better
I have forgiven myself